my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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