We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
