well I can't set my house on fire every night
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
