Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
