i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
