I'm sorry my penis didn't work
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
