$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
