Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Randomize
