A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
