i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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