I'm really into asian looking animals
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
