Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The dick lei will go down in squad history
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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