He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
