Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
