im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
