Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
