i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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