i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
