i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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