i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
