If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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