You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
