i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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