I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
