I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
40s are totally the cure
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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