She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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