im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
