i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I faked an abortion last night.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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