life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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