I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
