The maid of honor just puked.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
