when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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