census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
