I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
