Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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