I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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