I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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