is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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