I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
