went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
