Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
