Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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