I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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