you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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