I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
