i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
