I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
