In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
