I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
