So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
