why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
