I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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